Nothing. Pure nothing. Where does it come from? Does it have its beginning? This I did not know. And this not knowing became the key that opened the gates to my own freedom.
“I have to…”- I would constantly hear. The voice within my own mind would repeat it as if on a loop. It got stuck. And I could not get rid of it. Till the moment where I…had to. Where I had to tell myself that this is enough. Not all that I have – all that I am. And then it stopped. It stopped attacking me. It was still there. This conviction. But I seemed to no longer be affected by it.
When we are fed up with something, we have this tendency to say “Enough”. Sometimes we don’t say it at all – but from deep within we shout it out in meaningful silence.
My enough appeared as a consequence of a burning need. There was a need and I did not jump out to satisfy it in any known to me agitation. Instead I said softly “Enough”. And it was the biggest game changer ever. Why game? ‘Cause my own (beloved <3) mind would play it with me every single day. Hungry of new data to process. New pieces of information, new stimuli. This was it. I let external stimuli kill my own inner voice. Dug deep underneath it was no longer audible. I even forgot about its Presence. I totally lost contact with it. My own beginning.
The beginning was marked by an end. An end of a constant battle happening within me. I was fighting with myself – for freedom, which I deprived myself of. Imprisoned by my own thoughts I became a slave of doing. No matter what I was doing – this act of taking action prevented me from being. I used to think that these were my actions which marked my presence. The revealed truth exposed how deprived of my own life I was. It was like being in constant limbo. Awaiting for the rewarding life to happen. The taken actions were supposed to pave my way to living fully. In fact they made me run out of my Self. Forced to keep on doing, I stopped being. As simple as that and as complex as that as the consequences of my action led to such a condition that could hardly be described as peaceful and desired.
When you run out of your essence, it’s still there. What you actually run out of is your capacity to access it. As if suddenly being alienated. I did not know it at that time. I knew nothing at all, to tell the truth. But the pure awareness of not knowing made me grateful. The awareness was still there. Be it totally pushed aside, it held me within the frame of living. And that is how my journey towards not doing began – with a simple, yet, as it turned out, powerful thank you.
Thank you life for being so patient with me – were some of my first conscious words. It was months later that I realized I was this life myself – restored by a challenging process of letting go.
Let go of any control
If you are scared of letting go – then you ARE. And this as such is the greatest miracle ever. The rest is redundant. If it doesn’t want to lose a grip on you, it’s abusive. The more abusive you find it to be, the more entitled you are to let it go. For the sake of your own freedom that’s buried by whatever seems to be everything.
-if you tell yourself to do it, it will chase you. With your own thought. If you do nothing – it won’t either.
Every time I felt this urge to do something, I would just breathe. Consciously. With no mental “in” and “out”. Too much hustle for an already overwhelmed mind. Conscious breath was my only response. And I did not get any reply to that. Just the answer. The answer that I’ve been looking for all my life.
Where is it? This answer? Deep within your own silence. The greatest healer, as yogis put it. What do you have to do to access it? Nothing. Just do nothing.
You don’t have to <3 – but you can thank yourself for doing nothing. It may prove to BE your greatest achievement ever <3